Last week, a post on X sparked another online debate about mentorship.
As the story goes, Millennial and Gen Z men are craving mentorship but Boomers and Gen Xers seem unwilling or unable to help. Older generations push back, expressing their frustration over young men who don’t want to accept the wisdom they have to offer.
As we approach a looming generational cliff, successful knowledge transfer between those who have led our institutions for the better part of a century and those who have had relatively little experience in leadership whatsoever has never been more important. Yet, we see more and more resentment where there should be cooperation.
As someone who spent his pre-ministry career organizing, managing, and participating in mentorship programs, I have experienced this gap between mentees and mentors firsthand.
I don’t doubt for a second the stories young men are telling. I’ve witnessed would-be mentors slam the door on would-be mentees. In my previous work, there were times when it felt like pulling teeth to get seasoned men with a treasure trove of wisdom to spend even five minutes with an eager young man.
However, I also realized how unprepared young men were for mentorship. Young men don’t know how to be mentees, and it is sabotaging their opportunities to develop mentors and grow professionally.
Mentorship is a two way road. It takes patient, dedicated mentors. It also takes disciplined and thoughtful mentees. Below is a practical guide I developed to assist the former group, but I hope it will serve both mentees and mentors as they engage in the rewarding work of mentorship.
An Important Distinction
Before we get to the practical tips, however, we need to make an important distinction between mentorship and discipleship.
In the Great Commission, Jesus tells the Twelve to go into all the world and “make disciples.” Discipleship, according to Jesus, has two primary components: baptizing men and women in the Triune name and teaching them to observe the law of Christ.
Discipleship marries doctrinal instruction with the cultivation of wisdom in all areas of life so disciples may learn to think God’s thoughts after him and walk in his ways. It is, therefore, all-encompassing, uniquely tied to the work of the church, and demands a slower-paced shepherding framework we see Jesus model so well in the Gospels.
Mentorship, on the other hand, is narrow in scope, deliberate, and intentionally goal-oriented.
Think about the differences this way. When you were being discipled, you probably didn’t choose much at all about the person who discipled you, the way he discipled you, or even when he stopped. It just sort of happened.
Mentorship flips the script. The initiative starts with the one wanting to be mentored. He is primarily responsible for identifying the mentor, making the agenda, articulating the particular areas in which he wants to grow, and setting focused, actionable goals. Mentors can offer guidance in these areas, but if the mentee doesn’t assume the primary responsibility then very little mentorship will actually occur.
It might be tempting to describe mentorship as vocational discipleship, but I fear it fails to respect the important distinction between the two.
It’s true that mentorship will likely focus on a particular vocational calling: work, parenting, being a husband, etc. But calling it a kind of discipleship, I think, wrongly imports categories and expectations that will oftentimes hinder, not help, the work of mentorship.
A Practical Guide
With that distinction in place, let’s move on to some practical guidance for mentees who want to make the most of a mentorship relationship.
Set Specific, Actionable Goals
The reason most mentoring never gets off the ground is because the mentee does not have a clear or specific sense of what he wants to accomplish.
If someone doesn’t know any better, he will often articulate his goals as vaguely oriented towards self-improvement in some area.
Examples:
“I want to become a better husband and father.”
“I want to be a successful business professional.”
Notice how those examples, while noble and worth pursuing, lack any specificity or way of gauging success. Instead, try something like this:
Examples of specific, actionable goals:
“I want to stop losing my temper with my wife and kids.”
“I want to transition into this new industry by next summer.”
Specificity gives parameters that help potential mentors focus their thoughts and advice in a way that is relevant to the problem the mentee actually wants to solve. It ensures no one’s time is wasted and both parties are working together toward an actionable goal.
Be Clear About Expectations
I suspect many evangelical Christians, regardless of age, can feel uncomfortable with mentorship because it feels almost utilitarian.
Again, it’s important to remember the distinction we made between discipleship and mentorship. They’re different kinds of relationships with different expectations.
Mentees should set clear expectations for the relationship. Because you’ve already made specific, actionable goals, the problem you want to solve, or the area you want to grow in, should seem more manageable than it did before. Use that better sense of the issue to inform expectations.
Be clear and be disciplined. Tell your mentor something like, “I want to meet once a month for one hour for the next six months.” This assures your mentor that he’s not signing up for a lifetime of work. Since time is limited, it also forces your mentor to be more discriminatory in what he shares. Ideally, you’ll both know the wisdom exchanged is the best of what the mentor has to offer to accomplish the mentee’s particular goal.
Stay Focused
You only have so much time, so stay focused. Mentees should share specific questions they’d like to address during the meeting well in advance — preferably two weeks notice.
A focused agenda gives the mentor an idea of what he should focus on in preparation for the meeting. He may also like to consult notes or write down some specific examples and stories that relate to your situation.
During the meeting, stick to the questions you sent ahead of time. Inevitably, new questions will come up. Some will be relevant to the issue at hand. Others should be delegated to future conversations. Write them down so you don’t forget them.
Reflection
This is the most important thing mentees regularly fail to do. Put simply, if you are not spending any time in reflection then you are not learning. And if you’re not learning, you’re not growing.
Keep a journal. After a meeting with your mentor, write down highlights from your conversation, the things that stuck with you and why, and potential questions you would like to ask or research before your next meeting.
I strongly recommend that you DON’T take notes during your meeting unless absolutely necessary (writing down the title and author of a book recommendation for example). Your meet ups aren’t lectures. They’re dialogues. Ask questions, respond thoughtfully, and drive the assertion of principles to concrete application. Then spend that time reflecting when you’re on your own later on.
Final Tips
Here are some final tips:
No alcohol: Mentorship is a professional relationship, not an excuse to socialize. Alcohol also diminishes your judgment, critical thinking, and memory. Save it for the celebration when you have reached your goal.
No books: If you’ve spent any amount of time in evangelical circles then that might sound strange. But I’m serious. No books. Books distort the mentoring relationship. Your meetings become discussions analyzing some other person’s knowledge and wisdom when the whole point of the relationship in the first place was to learn from your mentor. Any book discussion worth its salt also requires time reading and reflecting on the content prior to the meeting. If you get behind, or don’t complete the reading beforehand, you’ll look undisciplined and unprofessional and crater any chance of meaningful mentorship. Feel free to bring in things you’ve learned from books, but don’t center them in your time together.
Conclusion
If you do these basic things, I promise you that you will be way ahead of the average mentee. Your mentor will see the time he’s investing in you as worthwhile, and together you’ll accomplish things you couldn’t do on your own.
